Let me speak frankly and bluntly. There are some things that have been bugging me every so often, and maybe if I put them out here in the open---so to speak---I will have a better grip on them and eventually figure out how to deal with them more productively. Most of this is going to be not very coherent, possibly, and disjointed, and involves a probably inane amount of navel-gazing---so in case I have actually decided to hit "Publish" on this one and you are reading this, be warned that it may not be all that exciting a read. But anyway:
First, possibly foremost: I am terrified of the future. I have no idea what will happen after I graduate. It feels like jumping off a cliff with no inkling of what is ahead or below me, with no parachute, jet-pack, trampoline, or safety net of any kind to catch me. Sometimes I think I'll be fine as long as I keep working and look to see where I'm going. Other times (usually after I talk to the parents) it seems like the path I choose is going to be terribly difficult and that there is every chance that I will fail no matter how hard I try. I don't think that's true; or at least, I hope that's not true. Rationally I figure that it's probably not true, but there's always a nagging shadow of doubt somewhere in the corner of your mind that says, not quite "the naysayers are right", but "what if they're right? What will you do then? I think there's a small but significant chance that they are. Shouldn't you be doing something about this?" Does that sound like someone in denial? Maybe. Maybe it's really saying "the naysayers are right" but the rest of your mind is fighting that notion as hard as it can.
Which brings me to number two: I am perpetually haunted by a mix of extreme nihilism and existentialism, something which is tremendously liberating but also terribly draining. What is the meaning of life? There is none, is my usual answer. You can choose either to be a pawn of your evolutionary instincts, an instrument of biology; or you can define yourself by what you do. But---then it's probably a natural question to ask---what is the point of defining your own purpose in life when nobody else will share in it or affirm it. And thus "defining your own purpose", usually, devolves into defining yourself by your work, by what others think of it, and/or even by what others think of you. At which point you open yourself up to all kinds of stresses and upsetting things that should not disturb you so unduly. But then again maybe that's not all a bad thing. Or maybe you should just learn to be more at peace with these things which you now think of as stressors pure and simple. Maybe you just need to broaden your sense of purpose in life, but also to become more comfortable with failure, or perceived failure.
One reason why you're not is the persistent and recurring perception that you "cannot afford to fail" any more. Maybe that's true. More often it's not, and in these circumstances it does not help you at all to think that way (it's probably not very helpful even when it is true ... ) Sometimes you need to do some worrying, but afterwards you should throw the worrying out the window, set your mind at peace, and just go. If you fail---when you fail---then you'll have time to figure things out and try and solve the problem. In the meantime that worrying is preventing you from doing as much as you could, and causing you unnecessary stress.
These thoughts usually intensify---and present themselves in the form of mild panic attacks---around the bits of free time during summer, and/or after long calls with your parents. They usually go away during the semester, more than anything because they get buried by immense amounts of work and busyness. That is unpleasant in its own sort of way, but also nice, in a way. But it also means that you aren't actually addressing these questions and concerns, but only deferring them to a later time, when they will present themselves even more urgently.
I know my parents raise these issues out of genuine concern. Sometimes I question whether that concern is as much for their own future financial health as for me, but perhaps these questions are best left unasked and unaddressed. In any case never have I doubted that they do care for me, and they have really been very supportive if you think about it. Still ... zaten ... however reasonable I find their proposals, some part of me just categorically refuses to adopt them. Yes, they have more experience; but not all of that experience necessarily applies to your world today. Maybe ... maybe you just need to accept that, and its consequences, whole-heartedly, and work on that basis. At the moment it's more like you are in two minds: on the one hand you disagree with what your parents say and consequently part of your mind refuses to hear anything of it; on the other hand you fundamentally respect what your parents have to say and that feeds the voice in your mind that continually questions your own decisions and plans. Maybe what you should do is to take what you hear from your parents as good but not infallible advice, and weigh it objectively with and against everything else you see and hear from everyone else. Stop taking it as dogma that you must accept or fight, and start thinking of it as advice that you receive and weigh.
Talking to the parents also feels draining because they never quite talk to me as an adult. With Mom the nagging never stops; with Dad it takes the form of never quite agreeing with my opinions or even agreeing to disagree. It's annoying, frankly. But more and more I think of these things as just things I have to work around. It's not that they have malicious intentions or anything ... just that parents will always be parents ...
